Do you fear that you will eventually be discovered as a fraud and you might get found out at any minute? Then you are experiencing something often referred to as imposter syndrome which stems from a sense of inadequacy, despite objectively being competent. You may never fully overcome these feelings, however, there are opportunities to better balance your thinking and self-perception.
Tag Archive for: CSLDP Module 5
In the last few years we’ve recognised that we probably haven’t had the opportunity to feel the benefit of many of the things that we take joy from. Covid has really challenged our opportunity to find joy in our life.
We’re really talking about those things that are present in our life already…and the opportunities exist. But, if we’re not actively looking for them, and we’re not seeking them, sometimes they can pass us by.
I was recently asked to speak at an Aged Care Forum on the topic of ‘Joy and its Link to Self-Care’. This is a great theme. One that we don’t speak enough about, so it was a lovely opportunity to discuss a topic that is important, yet not commonly sought out in business circles.
Listen to my thoughts below about how joy can be found anywhere and our need to actively seek it. It is not passive. Joy does not occur through blind hope. It can be discovered and created, if you take the time to be mindful of the many joyful moments that occur every day…even the small things.
Read my related blog: Your Roles, Your Time, Your Choices
Themes such as understanding the difference between an internal and external locus of control. Delving into how important socialisation, being with others and relationships are for all of us. I also discuss how perspective relates to joy. These themes and others are covered with the intention that there may be opportunity for the discovery of more joy.
The invitation to expand on and share my thoughts with such a large group of attendees was appreciated. The possibility that one or more participants might apply some of their learning in practice is exciting. You may also find value in the key points highlighted. This may lead to more joy for you and others…and that’s never a bad thing.
Additional Resources:
Brett Ledbetter: Finding Your Inner Coach, Ted Talk
Self-esteem can be a challenge for many. These difficulties have been heightened over the last year or so as we deal with the impacts and effects of Covid-19 and related restrictions. It has challenged how many of us see ourselves. However, it is possible to manage and build your self-esteem and subsequently, genuine confidence.
The term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. In other words, how much you appreciate and like yourself. It involves a variety of beliefs about yourself, such as the appraisal of your own appearance, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors. It can play a significant role in your motivation and success throughout your life.
Low self-esteem may hold you back from succeeding at school or work because you don’t believe yourself to be capable of success.
By contrast, having a healthy self-esteem can help you achieve because you navigate life with a positive, assertive attitude and believe you can accomplish your goals. (1) It is normal to have doubts on occasion. How often and to what degree these doubts surface is the issue and can have a negative affect on how you view yourself.
Self-esteem begins to form in early childhood – factors of influence include:
- Your thoughts and perceptions
- How other people react to you
- Experiences at home, school, work and in the community
- Illness, disability or injury
- Age
- Role and status in society
- Media messages (4)
In summary, low self-esteem is having a generally negative overall opinion of oneself, judging or evaluating oneself negatively, and placing a general negative value on oneself as a person.
People with low self-esteem usually have deep-seated, basic, negative beliefs about themselves and the kind of person they are. These beliefs are often taken as facts or truths about their identity, rather than being recognised as opinions they hold about themselves.
- Self-esteem is your opinion of yourself.
- Everyone lacks confidence occasionally but people with low self-esteem are unhappy or unsatisfied with themselves most of the time.
- It takes attention and daily practice to improve how you see you and feel about yourself. (3)
It is important to know that low self-esteem is a common problem for many people in our society – so you are not alone.
Low self-esteem can occur as part of a current problem (such as depression), or as a result of other problems (such as chronic illness, relationship problems) or it can be a problem in itself. Either way, the good news is that you can take steps towards developing more healthy self-esteem. (2)
How we handle situations, good or bad, and what we learn from them are important factors. More and more of my clients are confusing mistakes for failure. The following real-life example may provide additional context.
Some years ago one of my coaching clients contacted me with a problem in his life. We had stopped formally working together the previous year, however he turned to me for help in response to a situation he was trying to manage.
Long story, short, my client had found himself several thousand dollars in debt based on multiple payments made on an online game, somewhat knowingly but also, naively. He was embarrassed and overwhelmed.
This outcome had really shaken his confidence and self-worth. He didn’t know how to overcome the negative feelings about himself. Although initially disappointed, thankfully his wife was very supportive.
The relevant point in this story is that my client was feeling ashamed. In fact, he used the word shame, which was a trigger for our discussion. Although there was much more to our conversation, I helped him see that his actions were a mistake or error, not a point of failure.
Mistakes and failure are not the same thing. Mistakes are part of being human. They are common and genuine opportunities to reflect and learn how to avoid making the same mistakes over and over. In reality, failure is the act of repeating the same mistake, not the single error itself.
I pointed out to my client that doing something ‘wrong’ can be defined as a mistake. It does not make you a bad person and is nothing to be ashamed about. Shame is the feeling that you are inherently bad, rather than a sense of having made an error. Maintaining the right perspective is key.
In this instance, my client was able to take action and rectify his debts and situation once he gained a more valid perspective of the issue and options. As a result, ultimately his self-esteem improved through taking ownership of the situation and resolving the issue. Each of us is confronted with challenges and opportunities every day which could or do provide the platform for developing self-esteem.
If he had not identified and applied actions, the situation would have likely spiraled out of control and continued to damage his self-esteem. How we view these moments in life and our self-talk has a significant bearing on how we feel about ourselves overall.
When we take action and own situations, we feel good about our contributions and the outcomes. When we acknowledge this, it feels good and has a positive impact on how we view ourselves.
Interestingly, our self-esteem is either gradually built or diminished through our perspective and actions.
Alternatively, when there is a lack of ownership, accountability and reflection about how to improve ourselves and the situations, there is a tendency to be self-critical. When this avoidance is consistent, our self-esteem declines.
These increases and declines in self-esteem and self-worth occur gradually. I often describe it as .01% impact in each situation, either negative or positive. Clearly then, it takes many, many opportunities and actions to affect our overall self-esteem one way or the other.
Relationships with those close to you — parents, siblings, peers, teachers and other important contacts — are important to your self-esteem. Many beliefs you hold about yourself today reflect messages you’ve received from these people over time.
Yet, without consistent and conscious reflection, acknowledgment and action our tendency is to see the perceived risk and failure rather than the real risk and benefits. Innately, many people are more half-glass empty than full. But, this attitude and thought-process can be changed.
If you receive mostly negative feedback and are often criticized, teased or devalued by others, you’re more likely to struggle with poor self-esteem. But past experiences and relationships don’t have to be your destiny. Your own thoughts have perhaps the biggest impact — and these thoughts are within your control.
If you tend to focus on your weaknesses or flaws, working on changing that can help you develop a more balanced, accurate view of yourself. (4)
If your relationships are strong and you receive generally positive feedback, you’re more likely to see yourself as worthwhile and have healthier self-esteem. Oddly perhaps, this includes your relationship with yourself!
There are some simple ways to tell if you have healthy self-esteem:
- Avoid dwelling on past, negative experiences
- Express your needs
- Feel confident
- Have a positive outlook on life
- Say “no” when you want to
- See overall strengths and weaknesses and accept them.
You may need to work on how you perceive yourself if you tend to experience these common problems:
- A belief that others are better than you
- You find it difficult expressing your needs
- Too much focus on your weaknesses
- Frequently experience feelings such as shame, depression, or anxiety
- A negative outlook on life
- An intense fear of failure
- Trouble accepting positive feedback
- Trouble saying “no”
- Regularly put other people’s needs before your own
- You struggle with confidence. (1)
The Centre for Clinical Interventions offers an excellent model that may assist in assessing your current state and potential areas of focus and action. (2)
Click on the image below to open a worksheet containing additional, related information.
Self-esteem affects virtually every facet of your life. Maintaining a healthy, realistic view of yourself isn’t about blowing your own horn. It’s about learning to like and respect yourself — faults and all. (4)
Seeking help from relevant professionals is recommended, if required. However, for most of us it is possible to take action to change how you perceive yourself and to gradually build a positive self-esteem. Acknowledgment and honesty are the first steps, followed closely by regular reflection and action. These are steps we can all take…what have you got to lose and consider what you might gain?
Resources and References:
(1) Signs of Healthy and Low Self-Esteem – Very Well Mind
(2) Self-Esteem – Centre for Clinical Interventions
(3) Self-Esteem – Victorian Government
(4) Self-Esteem Check: Too Low or Just Right – Mayo Clinic
Self-Awareness, Mindfulness and Decision-Making
Ask yourself: “Am I particularly efficient…or am I effective in what I do and the decisions that I make?”
Self-reflection, taking into account many factors is important to continue to produce improvement and awareness about what is going well and what you would like to change about who you are and what you do. In my most recent role as a national leader within a global organisation I had many responsibilities and tasks assigned to my role. I was also in the fortunate position to have a degree of flexibility and freedom in my direction and subsequently, that of my team.
Last year there was a leadership change within my team, which had its pros and cons. However, I did find that I had less opportunity to genuinely contribute my ideas and felt significantly less valued and comfortable in my role as a result. My point is not to judge the leadership decisions, more of how this made me react internally and the choices I made during this period.
I found great value in self-reflection (in some cases my unconscious thoughts influenced my conscious choices) and specifically spent time focusing on how efficient and effective I was being.
Were the changes impacting my team? Had my demeanor changed? Was I still as effective and efficient in my role as a leader as in the past?
Questions such as this at face value may have been instigated from self-doubt, however I found power in being able to analyse my routines, creativeness and methods of working. As someone who has focused quite a deal of time on this topic having coached and supported many leaders in similar situations, I knew this could be the make or break for my tenure, depending on the outcomes of my decisions. The journey I went on and related learning may be of value to you.
So, what did I do? I researched the specific contexts of effectiveness, efficiency and related themes. Not so that I could define the words for the sake of it, more so as I wanted to ensure I was not assuming too much, which could skew my choices.
efficiency – The ratio of the output to the input of any system. Skillfulness in avoiding wasted time and effort; “she did the work with great efficiency”. Economy – the efficient use of resources; “economy of effort”; inefficiency – unskillfulness resulting from a lack of efficiency (1)
Was my focus on the right things – the ability to avoid wasting time and effort? Stripping back on the many tasks and focusing on the core few reaped the rewards for me that I know would add most benefit, no matter the situation.This required a level of focus and self-awareness that I had not used before. I also had to ‘let go’ or at least flex many existing thoughts and beliefs.
We often become set in our ways, accept the norms and standards that have been established for months or even years.This is very prominent in work cultures and leadership.
A willingness to firstly see these inefficient processes and desire to drive change are two different behaviours, but both are required. Knowing something and doing something are not the same thing. I knew it was imperative at that time to be as effective as possible in my decision-making and actions.
effective -a. Having an intended or expected effect. b. Producing a strong impression or response. Effectiveness relates to getting the right things done. (1)
The decisions revolved around all aspects of my life, not just work. Choices that impacted my wife, three daughters, work team, myself, friendship group and future direction were all balanced in my decision-making. I found that taking a step back and analysing my current situation allowed me to improve my future situation, as well as provide greater comfort in the moment.
It was efficient thinking – organised, less random and controlled thinking that provided the platform to make the next choice. I was not wasting time and effort at work or at home on those things that mattered less. Without going through this process my mind was jumbled, confused and I had much less ability to think clearly and take action forward. At best I was static – at worst, going backwards. A focus on efficiency allowed me to target, challenge myself on specific needs and take forward steps.
In many ways I am teaching myself to live more in the moment and practice a new concept for me – Mindfulness.
Being mindful and the related concepts has become more prominent in recent years. Mindfulness has links to psychology, Buddhism, meditation and other spiritual themes but is popular now because it has a place in our modern, busy world.
Essentially mindfulness is: bringing one’s complete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis,or involves paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally. (2)
Being more present or in the moment allows us to make choices that somehow seem more appropriate and relevant. This framework of thinking then allowed me to more easily work towards analysing effectiveness, again measured in all aspects of my life. I needed to understand whether there was an intended or expected effect and whether I was prepared for action. The answer: No, not in all things, but I can say that the clarity and direction gave me pause for thought and my choices and decisions did change as a result.
It is now only as I reflect on this period earlier in the year do I realise the benefit of ‘breaking down’ thought processes into a structured arrangement led to the right decisions, often only proven in time.
Post-script: after 25 years of working for many large national and global organisations I left work earlier this year to focus full-time on my external consultancy, training and coaching business. I had been developing the brand and strategy for the 18 months prior. However the thought-process and my focus on what is most effective and efficient for me to be spending my time on, allowed me to leave a legacy with my previous employer and team whilst making the choice to work full-time on CoachStation. It is going very well and I have rarely been happier and more confident for our future!
References
(1) thefreedictionary.com
(2) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness_%28psychology%29