Tag Archive for: CSLDP Module 3

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Stop Rescuing, Start Leading: Managing the Victim Mindset

Every leader eventually meets a team member who plays the victim. Nothing is ever their fault, every hurdle comes from someone else, and solutions always feel just out of reach. These patterns drain energy, slow progress, and can infect an entire team if left unaddressed. The truth is, no amount of empathy or 'fixing' will create change until accountability enters the conversation.

At CoachStation, we often see leaders fall into the trap of rescuing, where they stepp in to solve, soften, or shield. It feels supportive, but it keeps the person stuck. Leadership is not about carrying others; it’s about enabling them to carry themselves. The most effective leaders draw a line between support and rescue, using clarity and boundaries to move their team members from helplessness to ownership. That is where growth, and leadership, really begins.

Leadership is about enabling others to carry themselves, not carrying them.

It is understandable to a degree why a leader does this. It comes from a position of care and wanting to help. However, it is not effective leadership and rarely leads to a change in acknowledgment of the problem and behaviour. Managing a victim mindset takes courage, structure, and emotional intelligence. It requires you to hold the mirror up without becoming the villain. You can learn how to stop rescuing and start leading.

1. Spot the Pattern Early

Victim behaviour follows a script: avoidance, blame, deflection, and helplessness. Recognising it early prevents small issues from becoming entrenched habits. Look beyond words to tone and intent. A victim often positions themselves as powerless, waiting for rescue.

  • They externalise blame or justify underperformance.
  • They resist feedback by framing it as unfair or personal.
  • They draw energy from crisis or sympathy.

Recognise the pattern and address it privately, focusing on behaviour not character. See it as something learned that can be relearned through awareness and accountability.

2. Name and Frame What You See

Victim dynamics thrive in avoidance. Bringing behaviour into the light changes the rules of engagement. Use calm, factual language that separates emotion from observation.

"I have noticed that when challenges arise, the focus often shifts to what others did wrong rather than what you can control. Let’s explore what sits within your influence.”

Framing it this way shifts the conversation from accusation to possibility. You are not blaming, you are reframing responsibility as choice. This subtle distinction is where accountability begins to be understood, accepted and possible ownership shifts.

3. Shift from Emotion to Agency

Emotion drives the victim mindset, but agency rewires it. The goal is to move from helplessness to problem-solving; to replace 'I can’t' with 'I can choose.' Ask questions that pull the focus to what is within reach.

  • 'What’s one thing you can influence here?'
  • 'What would it look like if this went well?'
  • 'What support do you need, and what can you do yourself?'

These questions teach accountability through reflection. Over time, they help the person see that their choices, not their circumstances, drive their results.

4. Stop the Rescue Loop

When leaders over-function, employees under-function. Every time you rescue, you reinforce dependency. Replace rescuing with responsibility. Let them carry their own challenges while you guide the process, not the outcome.

'That sounds tough. What’s your next step?'
'I trust you to work this through. What will you try first?'

Support does not mean shielding someone from consequence. True coaching builds capability, not comfort. When you hold back from rescuing, you create space for growth, resilience, and learning.

5. Apply Structure with REOWM

Unstructured conversations with victims drift into emotion and circular logic. The REOWM Accountability Model anchors every discussion in clarity and progression, guiding the conversation from relationships through to measurable outcomes.

ElementHow to Apply It
Relationships Show empathy without enabling. Respect their perspective, but stay objective.
Expectations Clarify what is required and by when. Vague expectations feed avoidance. Ask what they understand is being committed to.
Observations Ask for self-feedback first. Base your feedback on facts, not feelings. 'You missed two deadlines this month' is clear and defensible.
Why / Impact Explain the consequence of their behaviour — on trust, workload, and team culture. Why are we discussing this? Do not assume what you think is what they know.
Measurement Agree on what progress looks like. Review it consistently, even when uncomfortable.

Accountability is not punitive, it is developmental. The REOWM structure keeps both parties honest and aligned, even when the conversation gets difficult. The key benefit is that conversations that are accountable are easier because the commitment and agreement was made previously. Your role as a leader is to simply ask how they went against the task, goal etc. that they had previously committed to.

6. Hold the Line Consistently

Victim behaviour often tests consistency. The moment you waver, they will reset the narrative and regain control through confusion. Hold your line firmly, without aggression. Do not let the other person avoid through playing in the noise. Continue to pull them back to the point, quite commonly based on behaviours. Predictable leadership dismantles emotional manipulation faster than confrontation ever will.

'We discussed this and agreed the next step. I look forward to seeing that by Friday.'

When you stay calm and consistent, you communicate strength and safety, the very environment people need to shift from fear to ownership.

Conclusion

Leading someone out of a victim mindset takes patience and precision. It is not about winning an argument. It's about changing the story they tell themselves. The measure of leadership is not how much you fix, but how much you enable others to fix for themselves.

When you stop rescuing and start leading, accountability becomes a shared value, not a forced expectation. The result is a stronger culture, healthier relationships, and people who choose to step up rather than step back.

To continue your leadership journey, read Escape the Drama Triangle: Change the Script.

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Perspective and Reducing Assumptions in Leadership

 

As an effective leader, one of the key skills to develop is the ability to ask questions. More specifically, to ask the right question at the right time. The key benefits of mastering this skillset are the additional perspective gained and the reduction in assumptions. This has power within leadership as it ensures you take into account other people’s perspective as well as your own.

 

CoachStation Leadership and Coaching - Perspective
Credit: Unsplash, Nadine Shabaana
To lead is to influence. To influence, understand…to understand, ask.

There is a connection between gaining perspective and displaying empathy, one of the cornerstone leadership traits. When you understand what someone else values; why they have said or done what they have; and/or their background, there is a likelihood of greater influence. This stems from less negative judgment and a willingness to see a situation beyond your own lens or perspective. In other words, stepping into someone else’s shoes and looking back at you…empathy. The risk of a lack of perspective and making assumptions are many.

Primarily when you attempt to influence solely from your own beliefs and views, in its extreme, is coercion.

 

This is damaging and unsustainable, both relationally and practically. Few people will willingly follow you when you are more concerned about your own perspective and values, without taking into account theirs.

Related: Life Choices – The Decision Tree

Removing assumptions through improved understanding provides a more solid basis for strength in your relationships. Many people will respect the fact that you are bothering to consider their views. Taking it a step further and doing something with this information, adds to the potential for aligning values and building depth in your relationships. This is connecting at a different level.

For me, there’s great value in recognizing different perspectives in conversations because these enable us to hear and react to things very differently. 

One of my close friends often says: “Change how a situation occurs to you, change how you will respond to the situation.” What is the distinction between perspective and reality? There are a lot of fun expressions around this topic. The easiest one is “my perspective is my reality,” but is this really true? Or is there a difference between the two?

Perspective is the way individuals see the world. It comes from their personal point of view and is shaped by life experiences, values, their current state of mind, the assumptions they bring into a situation, and a whole lot of other things. Reality can be different things. We can easily say that my perspective is my reality. There is truth to that statement. When we look at the shared reality of an event, though, the more perspectives you get, the closer to reality you get. As a leader, do you consider your own perspective as reality? (1)

The other aspect of perspective, is how we respond to situations. We have developed a process that has assisted many of our coachees and clients to gain perspective and a better balance regarding their own reactions.

The Perspective Scaling Process is a very useful tool and mindset to assist in finding an appropriate balance between immediate emotional responses and logical reactions.

 

To use this resource effectively, you need to establish a scale based on your own judgments first. Once established and with practice, all situations and moments can be quickly assessed against your initial scaling. Rarely is the situation actually as significant as your first emotional response would assume. That is how the process works. It finds a balance between your initial emotional response and places a sense of practical, logical thought to the moment. Let me explain the process.

The Perspective Scaling Process works on a 1 – 100 set of values, where 1 represents a very small incident or situation with next to no lasting impact. An example could be a paper-cut. A 100 would be the most damaging and worst outcome or scenario you could think of. Most people consider losing all of their family members in an accident as an extreme, yet relevant example.

Once you have set scale situations at either end relevant to you, work backwards by roughly 10 point increments and consider what situations would apply for each number.

 

A 90 may be losing an individual family member; an 80 a reasonably major car accident with lasting injuries; a 70 could be a divorce; a 60 based on being made redundant at work etc. Once you reach 20 your scale should be reflective of those things that occur more commonly and with a lesser impact. Single-figure circumstances should be things that have no lasting impact at all, possibly more frustrating than serious.

Now that you have established a ‘baseline’ it is important to keep referring back to the scale throughout the day, as situations occur. This is where the process comes into it own.

We quite regularly immediately respond to a moment or event in an overly emotional manner.

 

The challenge with primarily emotional responses, particularly when considering relationships is that it generally inflames a situation. It is out of proportion and is weighted too heavily to emotions, lesser to logic and pragmatism. An emotional response is quite normal and is part of being human. What may feel immediately is a ’50 or 60′, is quickly re-identified by applying the perspective scale as a lower number, commonly at a ’20’ or below. This ‘self-check’ then allows us to respond more appropriately and effectively.

Recognise that every emotion has a place. Having emotions is normal and expected. However, being overly-emotional on a consistent basis can be detrimental to your credibility, perception and effectiveness.

 

Learning to take control of immediate emotional responses is an important aspect of being emotionally intelligent. Through use of the perspective tool, you will strike a balance between the initial emotion-laden reaction and the purposeful logic that enables a balanced conversation and approach. With practice, you will be able to apply the Perspective Scaling Process within seconds. In fact, it is a great opportunity to pause and take a breath prior to responding.

Related: Relationships – Understand Your Team to Lead Effectively

Perspective is gained through understanding. That is, understanding of self and others. The most effective and simple way to improve understanding is to ask key questions. Positioning these questions in a way that makes it more about understanding and less about challenging perceptions take some of the heat out of the moment. It also demonstrates that you are listening to what has been said.

Depth in this skill come from paraphrasing and delving into the answers provided. This is what I call ‘layer 2 and 3 questioning’. Accepting the first response from someone generally provides little opportunity to truly understand. Without understanding, our assumptions commonly lead us to make incorrect decisions; see things only or primarily from our perspective or value-set; and similar, less effective responses.

When we see things primarily from our own perspective, it is difficult to genuinely influence others. Seeking understanding and caring about those closest to you, at work or home, builds trust, relationships and ability to influence.

How you demonstrate this care is up to you. However, taking the time to consider all views; seek understanding of what matters to you and others; providing appropriate context; and developing appropriate questioning skills are all ways to more meaningfully influence.

We show we care through our actions. What could you practice and do differently to more effectively influence those around you?

Don’t hesitate to contact CoachStation if you wish to discuss the Personal Values learning process or any other aspect of your development as a leader and person. We are always happy to meet new people and assist to improve capability and satisfaction.

Resources:

(1) Why Understanding Other Perspectives Is A Key Leadership Skill – Forbes

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To Succeed, Focus on Inputs Not Results

The ability and desire to focus on those areas of our lives that provide the greatest return can often be confusing. Change and growth comes first through understanding and acknowledgement.

When there is understanding, there is the potential for action.

Without understanding and action, it is too easy to continue to do what you have always done. That may of course be justified in your mind, but it rarely leads to progression, growth and development.

CoachStation: Focus On the Inputs
In almost every coaching and mentoring engagement I have taken on in recent years, my clients have struggled to understand the difference between inputs and outputs. In nearly every case, managers and leaders focus on the output, result or outcome and ignore the inputs. So, here’s the big tip:

You cannot change, influence or develop through focusing on a result only – understand the inputs and things that influence the result!

Don’t misunderstand my point. Results and outcomes matter enormously. Measuring our outputs and contributions is key to business. KPI’s, profits, budgets etc are critical to business…they just can’t be changed through themselves. Why? Well for three main reasons:

  1. They are historical, representing what has occurred in the past, hence cannot be changed.
  2. The inputs and things influencing and contributing to the result are what should be actioned and focused on because they can be changed.
  3. Very few people can directly translate the outcomes or result back into how they do what they do every day.

Let me provide more context. Most people, given the opportunity, can develop awareness for what they need to do and why it matters. The ‘how’ on the other hand is more difficult to determine on your own. Training will provide the background and broad knowledge. However, expecting the training participant to take this information and apply sustained change as a result, is difficult if not impossible minus follow-up and targeted support. Without reinforcement and personalisation, training has limited sustainable impact. By the way, I am a trainer and facilitator, so I am certainly not criticising training as a method of development in itself.

On its own and without reinforcement and personalisation, training rarely leads to meaningful action and change.

I am confident that many of you can think of times when you, your team or colleagues have attended training and not done anything different as a result. Crazily, I have even seen some managers send members of their team to the same training programs, year after year, expecting a different result. It rarely makes a difference. That is in fact, a very necessary focus of coaching and mentoring and a major part of the reason I now dedicate most of my time in this area.
My wife, Julie, and I have 3 daughters. Our middle daughter, Charli, plays netball. This year she has been selected in a representative team and will be playing in a State carnival in a few weeks. Based on recent conversations with the team coach, Hilary, I had the privilege in being invited to address the team and parents during one of the team training sessions recently. The key messages were delivered to 13 year old girls. I wanted to maintain their focus and take the opportunity to get them thinking differently. To challenge not only how they think, but where they focus time and energy. The link between netball and life was also highlighted. So, I related the core message to the theme of this blog.

The key is to understand and focus on the inputs, not the outputs.

Influence the many, many things that contribute to the result, not on the result itself.

Ultimately, I broke down the content to a key seven points. Of course, there are more topics that could be listed. However, I feel that the 7 themes highlighted are the baseline for development and growth. These topics and potential actions are as relevant to the young ladies who are in the rep netball team, as to people outside of sport. In fact, they are key to all of our lives in order to thrive (not just survive) in our modern world.
1. Self-Awareness: understanding who you are and how others see you is critical to your success. Too often we live in denial or fear about our performance, capabilities and how we are perceived. Perfection is not the goal. Improvement, increased self-esteem and continued growth are.
2. Communication: the ability to influence others; genuinely listen and understand; succinctly put across your views and thoughts; and, consistently ensure people believe what you say is important.

It is not only verbal skills, but also takes into account your ability to communicate through written means. Less obvious is your body language, pitch, tone, emotional levels and other contributors, but no less important.

3. Relationships: are one of the key inputs and cornerstones to satisfaction in life. In a work and sport context, this is not necessarily about developing friendships. It can be, but is more about building trust and respect, so that an honest and real conversation can be held and heard. Understanding what you value most and seeking insight into other’s values is one good way to develop depth in relationships.
4. Teamwork: has become even more relevant than in the past. Much of our learning, work environments; study and learning options are positioned within teams. The emphasis on individuals has reduced in recent years in the workplace, universities and other institutions. The focus on people collaborating and achieving more as a team, rather than individually, has become one of the big changes to how we operate. Your willingness and ability to meet that need will be one of the measurements of success.

Your ability to relate to others, influence, communicate and work collaboratively will define much of your success.

A very relevant point is to understand that diversity between people is good, when we take the time to understand the differences that exist. Understanding provides acceptance and acknowledgment. A lack of understanding often leads to assumption and negative judgment. It is the difference between thinking: “I wouldn’t do or say that, so you are wrong” to “I wouldn’t necessarily say or do that, however I know you well enough to understand your perspective”. It may feel like a subtle point, but in reality is a powerful difference in how people work together.
5. Capability and Competence: clearly a relevant input into your performance and perception relates to your ability to perform. Contribution to your team is reliant on continually developing competence, skills and capability in what you do.
6. Focus on Strengths: there is much greater opportunity for success when working from those areas that you are most interested, passionate and talented in. These are your strengths. We don’t have the opportunity to ignore our weaknesses or lesser talents. However, when you develop the areas that you care most deeply about and have natural ability in, your exponential growth is assured. Too often we are asked to focus solely on our weaknesses. These are the wrong inputs. Performance appraisals and other organisational tools are often designed this way. It is our role as leaders and people who care to make sure we talk about what is working well, not just the gaps and weaknesses. Strikingly, this type of emphasis assists us to build stronger relationships; trust; self-awareness and other elements detailed in this blog.

A shift in focus and mindset to develop talents into strengths can provide significantly greater returns.

7. Accountability and Action: the absolute key to improvement, growth and influencing the inputs. Willingness to be accountable for yourself and maintain a level of honesty in your own self-perception provides a platform for action. It is not enough to know more. It is always about what you do with this information. Practice does not make perfect. Practising the right thing, the right way leads to improvement and that is enough to enable growth. However, you must make a conscious choice and persist with your goals and actions for this to become more than good intention.
After the mini-workshop with the netball team I was talking with the coaching staff. It is fascinating how relevant these themes are for 13-year old girls and within the workplaces in our adult world. Interestingly, this points to the view that what works best for people, works best for people. Whether that is within families, workplaces, sporting teams or other situations where people congregate, the elements that provide comfort and growth remain similar.
The earlier that you develop and focus on the inputs that develop your self-awareness, relationships, confidence and self-esteem the more likely success will come your way…no matter how you measure success.

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Expectations, Accountability and Leadership

As a leader, you are required to clearly set expectations and standards for your team and each individual employee.
We continue to see that this is an area within organisations that is not as effectively applied as it should be.

   
In our short video you will learn why setting expectations is more important than ever to ensure that your team members are not only aware of but understand what is required and expected of them in their role. We have observed some organisations and leaders who hold their employees to account unfairly, sometimes for things that have not been established clearly or understood in the first place.

 

It is never too late to review where this aspect of leadership sits with you and your team. Maybe it is time to revisit your team’s roles and make sure their is clarity, certainty and context…the risk is minor and the potential returns are significant.
One of our recent blogs on this topic struck a nerve with many of my clients and readers and I felt it necessary to follow it up with additional content: Leadership: Setting Standards and Expectations.

Often leaders are wary of providing their own view as it is seen as subjective. Don’t be frightened to seek and provide this detail. Particularly when respect and trust exist, a simple acknowledgement or recognition of progress can be the difference between an engaged and disengaged employee.

The CoachStation REOWM Model of Leadership and Accountability provides additional context and opportunity to embed a structure that supports and encourages input from your team. Feel free to use the model, share it with your team and let me know how you go. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to drop us a line as we are always willing to assist you and your organisation.

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Expectation Setting – Who Cares?

Feeling The Pressure Of Long Hours...Are Expectations Clear?!!

Does an employee have the right to clear expectations?

Or, is it the employee’s responsibility to ask if they are unclear about any aspect of their role. As leader’s should we just expect that the clarity and details will come in time – it’s not like there is an expectation of high performance on day 1..or day 10..or day…? Or, is there never an expectation of high performance? There should be!

Earlier this week I read a blog on the Leaders Beacon website (thanks Colleen Sharen) providing insight into expectation setting. It got me thinking. How well do we as leaders really set clear expectations? Do we induct our new employees effectively? Is this even on the radar of leaders or central to business planning and strategy? Do we consider business requirements, measurement and regularly review these aspects for our longer-tenured team member’s? Fair questions for leaders…not so great a reality.

Expectation setting is more than providing a broad brush-stroke of requirements as highlighted in a position description document. It is also not simply a high-level group of role requirements that form part of the probation period, if there is one. It goes well beyond that and has a direct correlation to employee engagement. It is defining a reality for that employee – with depth and meaning – based on the information included within but not exclusively from work documents, policies and position descriptions. Yet, it is more than that.

Every individual has different expectations of themselves, their leader and the employer. Each team member brings different skills, values, biases, desires and other personal traits to their role. It is the leaders job to understand the employee well enough to blend business needs with personal needs. This helps to build strong relationships, opportunity to align values and remove uncertainty that often comes from unexplained or misunderstood diversity between employees.

Clarity in expectations is not only important for each employee but clearly of benefit to the employer/business. The risk is that if expectations are not clearly set and understood, performance will suffer, morale of this employee and possibly others around them may decrease and certainly, the ability to ‘master’ their role is diminished. It is a lose-lose situation and yet not all that rare an occurrence.

Reduced discretionary effort and a limited willingness to engage beyond the bare minimum are also potential risks. Additional pressure is often felt by the employee and can be demonstrated through behaviours such as increased hours in the workplace, withdrawing from the team, irritability, sullen attitudes and other negative outcomes.

Setting each team member up for success starts before their first day. We all make judgments and these start during the recruitment and interview process – for both the employer and the potential employee. Hopefully, you have set a good standard of communication and enhanced the image of your business throughout the recruitment process. This high standard certainly must be consistently delivered from day one of employment, assisting to build employee engagement, which is of value to any leader as noted below.

  • In world-class organizations, the ratio of engaged to actively disengaged employees is 9.57:1.
  • In average organizations, the ratio of engaged to actively disengaged employees is 1.83:1.

Actively disengaged employees erode an organization’s bottom line while breaking the spirits of colleagues in the process…estimates this cost to be more than $300 billion in lost productivity alone. Beyond the significant differences engaged workgroups show in productivity, profitability, safety incidents, and absenteeism versus disengaged workgroups, we have proven that engaged organizations have 3.9 times the earnings per share (EPS) growth rate compared to organizations with lower engagement in their same industry. (1)

In any role, the employee has the right to expect a clear understanding of what is required of them. Every task, function, skillset, policy and other related expectations should be provided early in his or her tenure. This set of expectations should then form part of the regular rhythm of coaching, discussions and review.

It is never fair employment strategy nor smart leadership to expect that an employee will ‘pick up’ all they need to perform their role to a standard if that standard is never clearly established.

This includes the need to also check in and ensure clarity (for both parties), along with a willingness and ability to meet the expectations now or in the future with the proper support, development and training.

If we don’t, then we are breeding and encouraging mediocrity in our leadership standards, within our team cultures and potentially setting the bar low before your business has had a chance to excel.

Expectation setting – who cares? You should!

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