Tag Archive for: CSLDP Module 8

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Escape the Drama Triangle – Change the Script

From Drama to Empowerment: Why Your Mindset Matters More Than You Think

Author: Amanda Taylor

Let’s talk about something that plays out for all of us daily. Sometimes hourly. It’s called the Drama Triangle, and once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

The Drama Triangle was first developed by Stephen Karpman, and it maps out three common roles people tend to fall into when they're under pressure, emotionally charged, or just stuck in unhelpful patterns. They are:

  • Victim: “This always happens to me.” Powerless. Overwhelmed. Helpless. Hopeless.
  • Rescuer: “Let me fix this for you.” Over-functioning. Saving the day. Burning out. Needed.
  • Persecutor: “This is your fault.” Critical. Controlling. Frustrated. Points the finger.

Now, before we point fingers, let's be real. We all land in these roles. You might bounce between them in a single conversation! It’s human. It’s automatic. It’s a way of managing discomfort and stress.

But here’s the thing: when we stay in the Drama Triangle, we stay stuck.

This dynamic is all about focusing on the problem. It generates anxiety, encourages blame, and keeps us looping in patterns that don’t move us forward. And no matter which role you’re in, it’s exhausting. It fractures relationships and undermines leadership (especially self-leadership).

Let’s zoom in for a second on the Rescuer, because on the surface, this one can look like the “good guy.” Helping. Fixing. Doing all the things. In fact, the Rescuer is often getting all the accolades in an organisation. But here’s the hard truth: rescuing can actually be disempowering. When we swoop in to fix someone else’s problem, we’re often reinforcing the message that they can’t do it themselves. We unintentionally hold them in the Victim role. And while we're busy carrying everyone else’s load, our own energy is depleting. That’s where burnout sneaks in, quietly, but relentlessly.

So, what’s the alternative?

Meet the Empowerment Triangle, developed by David Emerald Womeldorff and Donna Zajonc. It flips the script and invites us into a far more constructive mindset—one that’s grounded, clear, and creative.

Here’s what it looks like:

  • Creator (instead of Victim): You ask, “What can I do?” Or “How would I like this scenario/situation to look?” You focus on what’s possible and take small, empowered steps.
  • Coach (instead of Rescuer): You support others by holding space and empowering them by asking powerful questions, and trusting that they are capable.
  • Challenger (instead of Persecutor): You speak with honesty and compassion. You stretch others, not shame them. Focus on the learnings and how to move forward.

When we shift into these roles, something powerful happens. We stop reacting and start responding. We move from survival mode to a solutions mindset. We create movement. We reclaim our energy. We lead better.

And here’s the kicker: it’s not about never falling into drama. It’s about noticing when you do, choosing differently, and learning to show up in ways that truly support others without burning yourself out in the process.

It’s not about being perfect, it is about being aware.

The Drama Triangle quietly sabotages prioritisation and time management because each role pulls you into urgency rather than importance. In Victim, you feel you have no choice, your calendar fills by default, and you accept whatever shouts the loudest.

In Rescuer, you say yes to other people’s problems, over function, and spend hours on urgent but not important work while your own priorities stall. In Persecutor, you create pressure and control, which drives reactivity, extra meetings, and reporting that soaks up time without moving outcomes.

These patterns erode boundaries, scatter attention, and crowd out deep work. The way out is to notice the role, then shift to an empowered stance, creator, coach, or challenger. Creator asks, what outcome matters now, and books time for it. Coach supports others to own their next step instead of rescuing. Challenger sets clear agreements and protects focus.

When you step off the triangle, time becomes a leadership choice, not a reaction.

So next time you find yourself stuck, ask:

  • Am I in the Drama Triangle right now?
  • What role am I playing?
  • What would it look like to step into Creator, Coach, or Challenger?
  • What’s one shift I can make to move forward with more clarity and intention?

This awareness is everything. When we catch ourselves in drama and choose to respond differently, we lead. Not just others, but ourselves - with authenticity, strength, and purpose.

It's a simple framework, but it changes everything: your conversations, your leadership, your life.

This is the real work. And it's what creates sustainable, empowered leadership from the inside out.

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Your Roles, Your Time, Your Choices

We all have multiple roles, responsibilities and relationships, both in and out of the workplace.

Understanding how your various roles interact and affect each other can make a genuine difference in your life.

 

“It’s all about the levers”, I said. My client looked at me like I had gone barmy. “Maybe you are feeling an imbalance and that you are having to compromise your core values and some of the things that matter most to you”, I suggested. I knew this would require a little more explanation and detail. Once we discussed the topic further, however, it became clearer I was hitting the mark with my coachee.

Since this discussion some years ago, it is now even more evident how important this concept is to almost all of us. Attitude, prioritisation and self-awareness are always critical attributes and skills, even more so at the moment. This blog will explain the concept of choice, time and our various and many roles. A concept that has resonated and contributed to many of my client’s satisfaction, sense of control and comfort as it may for you.

We all have levers in our lives. What does this actually mean?

 

Roles and Choices: CoachStation
                                 Photo by Max Rovensky on Unsplash

There is logic to the concept of levers. Each of your roles can be thought of as a separate, yet interconnected lever. Each role could be as a parent, employee, boss, friend, hobby or member of the local sports team as examples. In fact, it could be any aspect of your life that is important to you and you dedicate time to. Consider each role as being represented by a single lever.

Each lever can be adjusted, as required, aligned to how much time, effort and mental energy you dedicate to it.

 

Each adjustment is also reflective of how much importance you place on the role at that particular point in time. These focus tweaks are often in response to a perceived or real need to better balance your life or respond to some other stimulus. This can be either extrinsic (i.e. originating externally) or intrinsic (i.e. driven from within). The tweak may be required because of the needs of others. Maybe someone close to you expresses frustration or disappointment that you are not spending enough time with them. Or, you may recognise this need for change yourself.

Possibly you are spending too much time at work. Maybe you feel this yourself or there is pressure from your spouse and family to be home more or earlier. Or, you have stopped going to the gym, or taking regular walks and your fitness and mental well-being are negatively impacted. Is it that you recognise that your friends are being neglected? The triggers can arise from anywhere and are generally feeling-based. They can also be managed and influenced.

No matter the trigger, it often feels like something is missing or there is an imbalance in your life.

 

We all have the same amount of time to spend or allocate to our many roles. However, this time is finite – it has limits. The choices about where to spend this time and allocate to your many roles has a direct and ongoing influence on your overall satisfaction and contentment. It also impacts those you care about the most.

At this point, it is worth looking at where you are prioritising your time and whether this balance works for or against you. Referencing the great work of Stew Friedman, this 4-Way Views assessment will give you clarity regarding where you spend your time and satisfaction as a result.

Let’s extend the concept. I mentioned earlier that each of your roles can be thought of as a separate lever, yet are interconnected. This is true, however every time you adjust a lever or aspect of your life, all your other levers or roles are also impacted. Each lever is connected via an imaginary cable. It is often a small adjustment of maybe 5-10%. Deciding to spend more time at home, for example, will have a natural and direct impact on all of your other levers or roles. To add time and energy to one role, there is a reduction of focus and time in one or more of your other roles. Remember, your time is finite. That’s why your choices and what you prioritise are so important. There are 2 key elements to consider.

Firstly, it is important that you have enough levers.

 

I have seen many examples where a person has only 2 or 3 roles. These may be work and home, for example. This is a challenge when work or home is not providing positive input or going well. Devastating when both are not going well. Additional roles (maybe 7-8) provide alternatives and options to fulfill your life when one or more roles are not as positive as you would like. I am not suggesting that there is an ‘ideal’ specific number of roles. We are all different and have a variety of needs, capacities and preferences. However, like most things in life, too few or too many are extremes and offer more challenge than your individual, optimum number of roles.

Challenges and difficulties in life are common. How you react and respond to these challenges is critical.

 

No one lives the perfect life where all of their roles are being fulfilled at the same time. Having enough roles and different levers to adjust and provide a sense of balance is one of the keys. Not work-life balance, but a more holistic and psychologically fullfilling balance. However, it is possible to have too many roles.

Stretching yourself thin and trying to meet the needs of around 10 or more roles can also be a challenge. Imagine trying to fulfill a dozen roles and the allocation of time required? To be fair, I have seen this done. However, the strong relationships and capability to manage this time and roles effectively is rare.

Perspective and resilience are very important traits, particularly in today’s world. Taking control of your time and various roles and consciously adjusting your ‘levers’ as required, can make a significant difference to how resilient you are and in seeing life more clearly. One of the many insights I have learned when coaching and mentoring hundreds of clients over the last decade continues to resonate. Those who struggle with life generally, often do not have enough levers and/or feel they have little choice in what is happening in their life. They see things as happening ‘to’ them, not ‘with’ them. Being in control is not about being controlling. Control is about you – this is good. Being controlling is more about you and others – this is often misplaced and damaging.

Understand your own levers. Reflect on your many roles.

 

What roles do you have? Where are you spending most time?

Where could you spend more or less time that would suit you better?

Do you feel happiness and satisfaction with this mix? What can you do to find a better and more rewarding balance across all of your roles?

What will you do to feel you are in control and on most days feel happy with what you give and what you receive?

For the most part, you have the same choices, time and ability to influence your life as other people do theirs. Thinking about what you are compromising and what gives you the most joy will lead to change and greater satisfaction. Taking action as appropriate to adjust your levers adds value and lets you meet your core values.

Your life, your choice!

 

 

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Brand and Perception: Leadership Essentials

The leader and employee in today’s environment must possess a credible and trusted brand, much like a company does.

This is sometimes also referred to as a personal and/or professional reputation. Either way, people see you a certain way based on your behaviours, words and actions. Being aware of this helps you to take control of your brand.

Like culture, it exists whether we influence it or not. Why then, wouldn’t you want to take control of this as much as possible? The benefits of modern technology and Social Media make this easier than in the past. It also provides potential pitfalls and risk. However, your personal brand and the perception you create is more than your Social Media profiles and habits. Your ‘real life’ actions and behaviours shape the perception others have of you. After all, those closest to you are the people who you should be most interested in influencing. Rarely is the depth of relationships online as strong as in person. Sadly, the lines are becoming blurred for many people.

CoachStation: Personal Brand and Leadership

It takes time and effort to develop your reputation built on genuine results, behaviours, skills and qualities that others identify as strengths and positive attributes. This is important for all of us, but is most critical for leaders.

Personal branding, much like social media, is about making a full-time commitment to the journey of defining yourself as a leader and how this will shape the manner in which you will serve others. (1)

Many leaders are already performing well in their roles and have much to offer. Whether people recognise and acknowledge this is another question. Having the knowledge and tools to promote yourself effectively without appearing to be ‘big-noting’ is a challenge for some. I look at this differently. It is not about being a self-promoter. It is more about being comfortable enough in who you are and your achievements so that you can comfortably talk about it. This comfort stems from strength in self-esteem and self-acceptance, amongst other attributes.

Overlooked for promotion; receiving little recognition; difficulty in explaining beliefs, passions or roles, along with other skills are often difficult challenges, but can be overcome. Creating a strong brand can only be achieved through consistent practice and application. This takes effort and accountability. In a blog I wrote previously titled Setting Standards and Expectations, I mentioned the importance of ownership and taking accountability.

Perceptions about self and what we think others believe about us influences much of who we are and what we do.

Each person has their own beliefs and needs and are at various stages of acceptance of their situation, financial requirements and employability. Being clear about what you want from life, including as an employee, helps you to make appropriate decisions. Decisions based on want, values and need and not simply situation and opportunity. Even when current roles appear stable, understanding of yourself and focusing energies on the next steps or options is a worthwhile exercise.

A brand in itself is not the end game. It is a mistake to think that a hollow set of tricks and/or being a good marketer without having the substance to support the brand will work.

This is the same when promoting products, services or people. People see through this kind of facade very quickly, even when we think they haven’t.

What is presented to the world via your online presence is becoming more and more critical to how other people view who you are and what you stand for. It is a wonder to me how many people still struggle with this concept. As important as this is, meaning and substance matters more than merely presenting yourself professionally online. It is how you communicate, manage perceptions, behave, respond, learn about and apply emotional intelligence. A solid social media presence is one aspect, but your brand is more than that.

It also relates to your ability to develop relationships, foster an ability to connect with others and various similar core skills that help you to influence people.

Taking control of and developing your reputation is essential for the advancement of your career and development as a leader. Unfortunately, personal branding has become a “commoditized” term that has lost its intention as people have irresponsibly used social media as a platform to build their personal brand and increase their relevancy. They believe social media can immediately increase their market value for their personal brand rather than recognizing that the process of developing their personal brand is a much bigger responsibility; a never-ending journey that extends well beyond social media.

Your personal brand should represent the value you are able to consistently deliver to those whom you are serving.

This doesn’t mean self-promotion – that you should be creating awareness for your brand by showcasing your achievements and success stories. Managing your personal brand requires you to be a great role model, mentor, and/or a voice that others can depend upon. (1)

Personal branding is a topic that has been of interest to me for some years. The related concepts and practical elements are consistently discussed topics when coaching and mentoring my clients. Our focus is about what is happening now, how you present yourself in your current role. This is not only relevant and important when you are looking for a new role. Essentially, having a strong brand always matters. I work with people in various industries at all levels of management, yet the branding elements remain surprisingly consistent.

The issues that exist and skills required in modern workplaces are as applicable for entry-level employees as they are for supervisors and executive level leaders.

How you present yourself should reflect what you care most about. This should include demonstrating consistency in values, beliefs and actions. The most effective leaders are those who care about people and are passionate about specific aspects of their role.

If you want to become a person of influence in your industry, realize it usually takes years of experience to earn a spot at the top. “How do you figure out something is your passion? It’s that thing you go to sleep about at night and it’s on your mind. You wake up and it’s still on your mind. It’s like a burning desire inside of you, you just can’t escape it, and you would do it for free simply because you love it.” (2)

At CoachStation we focus on the core elements that can assist any individual to develop a reputation and brand. One that is based on a solid foundation, leading to improved credibility and future success. These topics may be of use to you as you continue to build your reputation:

  1. Investigate why personal branding is important in your business and personal life.
  2. Take control of your brand and reputation – like culture, it exists, so you may as well influence it as much as possible.
  3. Learn the key elements of branding and how to build on them with meaning and authenticity.
  4. Build self-esteem, confidence and authenticity – don’t feel you need to act the part or play a role either in your personal or professional life.
  5. Understand the relevance of Social Media in developing a brand and how to use these tools to greatest effect.
  6. Develop a strong brand that is consistent with what you care about the most and your passions.
  7. Learn how to use the most relevant tools and technology to develop your brand.
  8. Seek understanding why a personal and professional brand is a non-negotiable for leaders and employees in today’s environment.
View your personal brand as a trademark; an asset that you must protect while continuously moulding and shaping it. 

Your personal brand is an asset that must be managed with the intention of helping others benefit from having a relationship with you and/or by being associated with your work and the industry you serve. (1)

The need to develop your brand and reputation is more relevant today than ever. If you don’t take control of your brand it will continue to evolve but not in a way that will add value to yourself and those you care about.

Have you defined your own brand? If so, do you live and  breathe it consistently every day?

Think about what your brand looks like from the perspective of others.

Take action to be accountable in shaping your brand to greatest effect.

As always, the opportunity is yours.

 

 

Resources:

(1)  Personal Branding is a Leadership Requirement, Not a Self-Promotion Campaign: Forbes

(2) How To Create a Standout Personal Brand: Entrepreneur.com

 

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Efficiency and Effectiveness – Leadership Impact

Are you efficient and effective in all that you do?

I’m not, however a recent experience has taught me more about myself and the importance of these two attributes .

Self-reflection, taking into account the many factors that influence us all is important for growth. Taking time to reflect provides a platform for improvement and awareness about what is going well and what you would like to change about who you are and what you do. In my most recent role as a senior leader within a global organisation I had many responsibilities and tasks assigned to my position. I was also in the fortunate situation where, for most of my tenure, I had a high degree of flexibility and freedom in my direction and subsequently, that of my team.

Last year there was a leadership change within my team, which had its pros and cons. I had been through leadership change many times before. However, in this instance I did find there was less opportunity to genuinely contribute my ideas and I felt significantly less valued and comfortable in my role as a result. My point is not to judge the leadership decisions or styles, more of how this made me react internally and the choices I made during this period.

I found great value in self-reflection and specifically spent time focusing on how efficient and effective I was being. Were the changes impacting my team? Had my demeanour changed?

Was I still as effective and efficient in my leadership as I had been?

Questions such as this at face value may have been instigated from self-doubt, however I found power in being able to analyse my routines, creativeness and methods of working. As someone who has focused quite a deal of time on this topic, I knew this could be the make or break for my tenure, depending on the outcomes of my decisions.

So, what did I do?  I researched the specific contexts of effectiveness and efficiency. Not so that I could define the two words for the sake of it, more so as I wanted to ensure I was not assuming too much, influencing my choices – I used key words from the definitions to provide direction.

efficiency – the ratio of the output to the input of any system. Skilfulness in avoiding wasted time and effort; “she did the work with great efficiency”. (1)

Was my focus on the right things – the ability to avoid wasting time and effort. Stripping back on the many tasks and focusing on the core few reaps many rewards, no matter the situation. This led me to think about my own journey and that of others I have worked closely enough with to have observed certain behaviours. My observations include:

  • We often become set in our ways, accept the norms and standards that have been established for months or even years.
  • A willingness to firstly see these inefficient processes and desire to drive change are two different behaviours / choices, but are both important (For those who are interested, have a look at the ADKAR model).
  • Knowing something and doing something are not the same thing.
  • Don’t implement a solution unless it has a benefit that can be defined and actions that can be taken.
  • Associated with the above, prioritising tasks and decisions is key to moving forward – as is often stated, urgent tasks are not necessarily important.
  • It is better to fully impact one or two key pieces of work in a sustained and meaningful way than half-complete several tasks – there is nothing transformational about incomplete work and it is quite damaging to your team and personal brand.

In my situation, the decisions I made revolved around all aspects of my life, not just work. Choices that impacted my family, work team, myself, friendship group and future direction were all balanced in my decision-making. I found that taking a step back and analysing my current situation allowed me to improve my future situation as it has turned out, as well as provide greater comfort in the moment. It was organised, less random and controlled thinking that provided the base to make the next choice. I was not wasting time and effort at work or at home on those things that mattered less.

At best I was static – at worst, going backwards. Prior to going through this process my mind was jumbled, confused and I had much less ability to think clearly and take action to progress. Self-reflection and a focus on efficiency allowed me to target thought and action, challenge myself on specific needs and take forward steps.

effective – Having an intended or expected effect. Power to be effective; the quality of being able to bring about an effect. Prepared for use or action, especially in warfare. (1)

This framework of thinking then allowed me to more easily work towards analysing my effectiveness, again measured in all aspects of my life. Was there an intended or expected effect and was I prepared for action. Not in all things, but I can say that the clarity and direction gave me pause for thought and my choices and decisions did change as a result. One of my core values is to make a difference and I had identified that I was being less effective in my roles as a consequence of many factors. Identifying this, acknowledging what it meant, making decisions and taking action has allowed me to do more of what I love, because I was clearer what these things were and what they mean to me.

It is now only as I reflect on this period from earlier in the year that I realise the benefit of ‘breaking down’ my thinking into a structured process, leading to clarity in decisions and direction, which has and will be proven in time.

Have you had a similar experience? How do you rate the importance of being effective and efficient? Is one more important to you than the other?

Post-script: after 25 years of working for many large national and global organisations I left work 7 weeks ago to focus full-time on my external consultancy, training and coaching business. I had been developing the brand and strategy for the 20 months prior. However, the focus on what is most effective and efficient for me to be spending my time on, allowed me to leave a legacy with my previous employer and team whilst making the choice to work full-time on CoachStation. I should mention that this would have been so much more difficult to transition if it wasn’t for the full and constant support of my wife, Julie – an engaged and loved partner does make all the difference! CoachStation is going very well and I have rarely been happier and more confident for the future.

As always, I appreciate your comments and thank you for reading this blog and sharing in my story.

(1) thefreedictionary.com

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