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Stop Rescuing, Start Leading: Managing the Victim Mindset

Every leader eventually meets a team member who plays the victim. Nothing is ever their fault, every hurdle comes from someone else, and solutions always feel just out of reach. These patterns drain energy, slow progress, and can infect an entire team if left unaddressed. The truth is, no amount of empathy or 'fixing' will create change until accountability enters the conversation.

At CoachStation, we often see leaders fall into the trap of rescuing, where they stepp in to solve, soften, or shield. It feels supportive, but it keeps the person stuck. Leadership is not about carrying others; it’s about enabling them to carry themselves. The most effective leaders draw a line between support and rescue, using clarity and boundaries to move their team members from helplessness to ownership. That is where growth, and leadership, really begins.

Leadership is about enabling others to carry themselves, not carrying them.

It is understandable to a degree why a leader does this. It comes from a position of care and wanting to help. However, it is not effective leadership and rarely leads to a change in acknowledgment of the problem and behaviour. Managing a victim mindset takes courage, structure, and emotional intelligence. It requires you to hold the mirror up without becoming the villain. You can learn how to stop rescuing and start leading.

1. Spot the Pattern Early

Victim behaviour follows a script: avoidance, blame, deflection, and helplessness. Recognising it early prevents small issues from becoming entrenched habits. Look beyond words to tone and intent. A victim often positions themselves as powerless, waiting for rescue.

  • They externalise blame or justify underperformance.
  • They resist feedback by framing it as unfair or personal.
  • They draw energy from crisis or sympathy.

Recognise the pattern and address it privately, focusing on behaviour not character. See it as something learned that can be relearned through awareness and accountability.

2. Name and Frame What You See

Victim dynamics thrive in avoidance. Bringing behaviour into the light changes the rules of engagement. Use calm, factual language that separates emotion from observation.

"I have noticed that when challenges arise, the focus often shifts to what others did wrong rather than what you can control. Let’s explore what sits within your influence.”

Framing it this way shifts the conversation from accusation to possibility. You are not blaming, you are reframing responsibility as choice. This subtle distinction is where accountability begins to be understood, accepted and possible ownership shifts.

3. Shift from Emotion to Agency

Emotion drives the victim mindset, but agency rewires it. The goal is to move from helplessness to problem-solving; to replace 'I can’t' with 'I can choose.' Ask questions that pull the focus to what is within reach.

  • 'What’s one thing you can influence here?'
  • 'What would it look like if this went well?'
  • 'What support do you need, and what can you do yourself?'

These questions teach accountability through reflection. Over time, they help the person see that their choices, not their circumstances, drive their results.

4. Stop the Rescue Loop

When leaders over-function, employees under-function. Every time you rescue, you reinforce dependency. Replace rescuing with responsibility. Let them carry their own challenges while you guide the process, not the outcome.

'That sounds tough. What’s your next step?'
'I trust you to work this through. What will you try first?'

Support does not mean shielding someone from consequence. True coaching builds capability, not comfort. When you hold back from rescuing, you create space for growth, resilience, and learning.

5. Apply Structure with REOWM

Unstructured conversations with victims drift into emotion and circular logic. The REOWM Accountability Model anchors every discussion in clarity and progression, guiding the conversation from relationships through to measurable outcomes.

ElementHow to Apply It
Relationships Show empathy without enabling. Respect their perspective, but stay objective.
Expectations Clarify what is required and by when. Vague expectations feed avoidance. Ask what they understand is being committed to.
Observations Ask for self-feedback first. Base your feedback on facts, not feelings. 'You missed two deadlines this month' is clear and defensible.
Why / Impact Explain the consequence of their behaviour — on trust, workload, and team culture. Why are we discussing this? Do not assume what you think is what they know.
Measurement Agree on what progress looks like. Review it consistently, even when uncomfortable.

Accountability is not punitive, it is developmental. The REOWM structure keeps both parties honest and aligned, even when the conversation gets difficult. The key benefit is that conversations that are accountable are easier because the commitment and agreement was made previously. Your role as a leader is to simply ask how they went against the task, goal etc. that they had previously committed to.

6. Hold the Line Consistently

Victim behaviour often tests consistency. The moment you waver, they will reset the narrative and regain control through confusion. Hold your line firmly, without aggression. Do not let the other person avoid through playing in the noise. Continue to pull them back to the point, quite commonly based on behaviours. Predictable leadership dismantles emotional manipulation faster than confrontation ever will.

'We discussed this and agreed the next step. I look forward to seeing that by Friday.'

When you stay calm and consistent, you communicate strength and safety, the very environment people need to shift from fear to ownership.

Conclusion

Leading someone out of a victim mindset takes patience and precision. It is not about winning an argument. It's about changing the story they tell themselves. The measure of leadership is not how much you fix, but how much you enable others to fix for themselves.

When you stop rescuing and start leading, accountability becomes a shared value, not a forced expectation. The result is a stronger culture, healthier relationships, and people who choose to step up rather than step back.

To continue your leadership journey, read Escape the Drama Triangle: Change the Script.

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Escape the Drama Triangle – Change the Script

From Drama to Empowerment: Why Your Mindset Matters More Than You Think

Author: Amanda Taylor

Let’s talk about something that plays out for all of us daily. Sometimes hourly. It’s called the Drama Triangle, and once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

The Drama Triangle was first developed by Stephen Karpman, and it maps out three common roles people tend to fall into when they're under pressure, emotionally charged, or just stuck in unhelpful patterns. They are:

  • Victim: “This always happens to me.” Powerless. Overwhelmed. Helpless. Hopeless.
  • Rescuer: “Let me fix this for you.” Over-functioning. Saving the day. Burning out. Needed.
  • Persecutor: “This is your fault.” Critical. Controlling. Frustrated. Points the finger.

Now, before we point fingers, let's be real. We all land in these roles. You might bounce between them in a single conversation! It’s human. It’s automatic. It’s a way of managing discomfort and stress.

But here’s the thing: when we stay in the Drama Triangle, we stay stuck.

This dynamic is all about focusing on the problem. It generates anxiety, encourages blame, and keeps us looping in patterns that don’t move us forward. And no matter which role you’re in, it’s exhausting. It fractures relationships and undermines leadership (especially self-leadership).

Let’s zoom in for a second on the Rescuer, because on the surface, this one can look like the “good guy.” Helping. Fixing. Doing all the things. In fact, the Rescuer is often getting all the accolades in an organisation. But here’s the hard truth: rescuing can actually be disempowering. When we swoop in to fix someone else’s problem, we’re often reinforcing the message that they can’t do it themselves. We unintentionally hold them in the Victim role. And while we're busy carrying everyone else’s load, our own energy is depleting. That’s where burnout sneaks in, quietly, but relentlessly.

So, what’s the alternative?

Meet the Empowerment Triangle, developed by David Emerald Womeldorff and Donna Zajonc. It flips the script and invites us into a far more constructive mindset—one that’s grounded, clear, and creative.

Here’s what it looks like:

  • Creator (instead of Victim): You ask, “What can I do?” Or “How would I like this scenario/situation to look?” You focus on what’s possible and take small, empowered steps.
  • Coach (instead of Rescuer): You support others by holding space and empowering them by asking powerful questions, and trusting that they are capable.
  • Challenger (instead of Persecutor): You speak with honesty and compassion. You stretch others, not shame them. Focus on the learnings and how to move forward.

When we shift into these roles, something powerful happens. We stop reacting and start responding. We move from survival mode to a solutions mindset. We create movement. We reclaim our energy. We lead better.

And here’s the kicker: it’s not about never falling into drama. It’s about noticing when you do, choosing differently, and learning to show up in ways that truly support others without burning yourself out in the process.

It’s not about being perfect, it is about being aware.

The Drama Triangle quietly sabotages prioritisation and time management because each role pulls you into urgency rather than importance. In Victim, you feel you have no choice, your calendar fills by default, and you accept whatever shouts the loudest.

In Rescuer, you say yes to other people’s problems, over function, and spend hours on urgent but not important work while your own priorities stall. In Persecutor, you create pressure and control, which drives reactivity, extra meetings, and reporting that soaks up time without moving outcomes.

These patterns erode boundaries, scatter attention, and crowd out deep work. The way out is to notice the role, then shift to an empowered stance, creator, coach, or challenger. Creator asks, what outcome matters now, and books time for it. Coach supports others to own their next step instead of rescuing. Challenger sets clear agreements and protects focus.

When you step off the triangle, time becomes a leadership choice, not a reaction.

So next time you find yourself stuck, ask:

  • Am I in the Drama Triangle right now?
  • What role am I playing?
  • What would it look like to step into Creator, Coach, or Challenger?
  • What’s one shift I can make to move forward with more clarity and intention?

This awareness is everything. When we catch ourselves in drama and choose to respond differently, we lead. Not just others, but ourselves - with authenticity, strength, and purpose.

It's a simple framework, but it changes everything: your conversations, your leadership, your life.

This is the real work. And it's what creates sustainable, empowered leadership from the inside out.

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Finding Your Ikigai Or Purpose In life

Discovering Ikigai: The Art of Finding Joy and Purpose in Every Day

In the picturesque landscapes of Okinawa, Japan, a profound philosophy known as Ikigai has its roots. Ikigai, translating to “a reason for being,” is a concept that encapsulates the essence of living a fulfilled and balanced life.

It’s the secret behind the joy and longevity of the Okinawans, offering a blueprint for anyone seeking purpose, happiness, and a sense of accomplishment in their daily lives.

The Essence of Ikigai

At its core, Ikigai is about finding the sweet spot where your passions, skills, societal needs, and economic opportunities converge. It encourages a holistic approach to life, blending the personal with the professional and the spiritual with the practical. The concept revolves around four pivotal questions: What do you love? What does the world need? What are you good at? And, what can you be paid for? The intersection of these aspects reveals your Ikigai, guiding you towards a life of satisfaction and meaning.

Journeying Towards Your Ikigai

Finding your Ikigai isn’t an overnight affair; it’s a journey of self-exploration and experimentation. It starts with introspection—taking a deep dive into your interests, skills, and desires. It’s about asking yourself what brings you joy, what talents you possess, how you can contribute to the world, and how you can sustainably support yourself through your passions.

Exploring different avenues, embracing new experiences, and being open to change are crucial steps in discovering your Ikigai. It’s equally important to practice mindfulness and gratitude, cherishing the process as much as the outcomes. Building connections and engaging with your community can also provide invaluable insights and encouragement along the way.

Living with Ikigai

Understanding your Ikigai is one thing; integrating it into your daily life is another. It entails making deliberate choices that align with your purpose and values, possibly leading to changes in career, hobbies, or lifestyle. Setting clear, actionable goals and seeking a balance in all aspects of life are vital strategies for living in accordance with your Ikigai. Moreover, embracing continuous learning and seeking ways to give back to the community can enhance your journey and deepen your sense of fulfillment.

The Path Forward

Ikigai is more than just finding what makes you happy or what you’re good at; it’s about achieving a harmonious balance that nurtures your well-being while contributing to the world. It’s a dynamic, ongoing process of growth and discovery. By pursuing your Ikigai, you embark on a rewarding path that not only enriches your own life but also positively impacts those around you.

In essence, Ikigai offers a transformative approach to living, blending joy, purpose, and balance into every day. It’s a philosophy that encourages us to live intentionally, with a clear sense of direction and a heart full of gratitude. Whether you’re searching for meaning, seeking to change your life’s course, or simply wishing to deepen your understanding of yourself, Ikigai provides a timeless framework for a life well-lived.

Read more and explore the concept of Ikigai further:

Ikigai – The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life

 

 

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Conversations With Leaders: Wes Davis

Different industries require subtle differences in style and how leaders impact their teams and results. As part of our occasional series chatting with industry leaders, we recently spoke with engineer and senior leader, Wes Davis. His story is an interesting one, with Wes focusing much of his time and development on the topic of leadership within engineering, rather than simply learning and applying the technical aspects.

Read more
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Overcoming Imposter Syndrome and Self-Doubt

Do you fear that you will eventually be discovered as a fraud and you might get found out at any minute? Then you are experiencing something often referred to as imposter syndrome which stems from a sense of inadequacy, despite objectively being competent. You may never fully overcome these feelings, however, there are opportunities to better balance your thinking and self-perception.

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Finding Joy In Our Lives

In the last few years we’ve recognised that we probably haven’t had the opportunity to feel the benefit of many of the things that we take joy from. Covid has really challenged our opportunity to find joy in our life.

We’re really talking about those things that are present in our life already…and the opportunities exist. But, if we’re not actively looking for them, and we’re not seeking them, sometimes they can pass us by.

 

I was recently asked to speak at an Aged Care Forum on the topic of ‘Joy and its Link to Self-Care’. This is a great theme. One that we don’t speak enough about, so it was a lovely opportunity to discuss a topic that is important, yet not commonly sought out in business circles.

Listen to my thoughts below about how joy can be found anywhere and our need to actively seek it. It is not passive. Joy does not occur through blind hope. It can be discovered and created, if you take the time to be mindful of the many joyful moments that occur every day…even the small things.

Read my related blog: Your Roles, Your Time, Your Choices

Themes such as understanding the difference between an internal and external locus of control. Delving into how important socialisation, being with others and relationships are for all of us. I also discuss how perspective relates to joy. These themes and others are covered with the intention that there may be opportunity for the discovery of more joy.

The invitation to expand on and share my thoughts with such a large group of attendees was appreciated. The possibility that one or more participants might apply some of their learning in practice is exciting. You may also find value in the key points highlighted. This may lead to more joy for you and others…and that’s never a bad thing.

 

Additional Resources:

Brett Ledbetter: Finding Your Inner Coach, Ted Talk

10 Keys To Happier Living

 

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Your Roles, Your Time, Your Choices

We all have multiple roles, responsibilities and relationships, both in and out of the workplace.

Understanding how your various roles interact and affect each other can make a genuine difference in your life.

 

“It’s all about the levers”, I said. My client looked at me like I had gone barmy. “Maybe you are feeling an imbalance and that you are having to compromise your core values and some of the things that matter most to you”, I suggested. I knew this would require a little more explanation and detail. Once we discussed the topic further, however, it became clearer I was hitting the mark with my coachee.

Since this discussion some years ago, it is now even more evident how important this concept is to almost all of us. Attitude, prioritisation and self-awareness are always critical attributes and skills, even more so at the moment. This blog will explain the concept of choice, time and our various and many roles. A concept that has resonated and contributed to many of my client’s satisfaction, sense of control and comfort as it may for you.

We all have levers in our lives. What does this actually mean?

 

Roles and Choices: CoachStation
                                 Photo by Max Rovensky on Unsplash

There is logic to the concept of levers. Each of your roles can be thought of as a separate, yet interconnected lever. Each role could be as a parent, employee, boss, friend, hobby or member of the local sports team as examples. In fact, it could be any aspect of your life that is important to you and you dedicate time to. Consider each role as being represented by a single lever.

Each lever can be adjusted, as required, aligned to how much time, effort and mental energy you dedicate to it.

 

Each adjustment is also reflective of how much importance you place on the role at that particular point in time. These focus tweaks are often in response to a perceived or real need to better balance your life or respond to some other stimulus. This can be either extrinsic (i.e. originating externally) or intrinsic (i.e. driven from within). The tweak may be required because of the needs of others. Maybe someone close to you expresses frustration or disappointment that you are not spending enough time with them. Or, you may recognise this need for change yourself.

Possibly you are spending too much time at work. Maybe you feel this yourself or there is pressure from your spouse and family to be home more or earlier. Or, you have stopped going to the gym, or taking regular walks and your fitness and mental well-being are negatively impacted. Is it that you recognise that your friends are being neglected? The triggers can arise from anywhere and are generally feeling-based. They can also be managed and influenced.

No matter the trigger, it often feels like something is missing or there is an imbalance in your life.

 

We all have the same amount of time to spend or allocate to our many roles. However, this time is finite – it has limits. The choices about where to spend this time and allocate to your many roles has a direct and ongoing influence on your overall satisfaction and contentment. It also impacts those you care about the most.

At this point, it is worth looking at where you are prioritising your time and whether this balance works for or against you. Referencing the great work of Stew Friedman, this 4-Way Views assessment will give you clarity regarding where you spend your time and satisfaction as a result.

Let’s extend the concept. I mentioned earlier that each of your roles can be thought of as a separate lever, yet are interconnected. This is true, however every time you adjust a lever or aspect of your life, all your other levers or roles are also impacted. Each lever is connected via an imaginary cable. It is often a small adjustment of maybe 5-10%. Deciding to spend more time at home, for example, will have a natural and direct impact on all of your other levers or roles. To add time and energy to one role, there is a reduction of focus and time in one or more of your other roles. Remember, your time is finite. That’s why your choices and what you prioritise are so important. There are 2 key elements to consider.

Firstly, it is important that you have enough levers.

 

I have seen many examples where a person has only 2 or 3 roles. These may be work and home, for example. This is a challenge when work or home is not providing positive input or going well. Devastating when both are not going well. Additional roles (maybe 7-8) provide alternatives and options to fulfill your life when one or more roles are not as positive as you would like. I am not suggesting that there is an ‘ideal’ specific number of roles. We are all different and have a variety of needs, capacities and preferences. However, like most things in life, too few or too many are extremes and offer more challenge than your individual, optimum number of roles.

Challenges and difficulties in life are common. How you react and respond to these challenges is critical.

 

No one lives the perfect life where all of their roles are being fulfilled at the same time. Having enough roles and different levers to adjust and provide a sense of balance is one of the keys. Not work-life balance, but a more holistic and psychologically fullfilling balance. However, it is possible to have too many roles.

Stretching yourself thin and trying to meet the needs of around 10 or more roles can also be a challenge. Imagine trying to fulfill a dozen roles and the allocation of time required? To be fair, I have seen this done. However, the strong relationships and capability to manage this time and roles effectively is rare.

Perspective and resilience are very important traits, particularly in today’s world. Taking control of your time and various roles and consciously adjusting your ‘levers’ as required, can make a significant difference to how resilient you are and in seeing life more clearly. One of the many insights I have learned when coaching and mentoring hundreds of clients over the last decade continues to resonate. Those who struggle with life generally, often do not have enough levers and/or feel they have little choice in what is happening in their life. They see things as happening ‘to’ them, not ‘with’ them. Being in control is not about being controlling. Control is about you – this is good. Being controlling is more about you and others – this is often misplaced and damaging.

Understand your own levers. Reflect on your many roles.

 

What roles do you have? Where are you spending most time?

Where could you spend more or less time that would suit you better?

Do you feel happiness and satisfaction with this mix? What can you do to find a better and more rewarding balance across all of your roles?

What will you do to feel you are in control and on most days feel happy with what you give and what you receive?

For the most part, you have the same choices, time and ability to influence your life as other people do theirs. Thinking about what you are compromising and what gives you the most joy will lead to change and greater satisfaction. Taking action as appropriate to adjust your levers adds value and lets you meet your core values.

Your life, your choice!

 

 

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Listen up! Listening Matters at Work and Home

Listening effectively is a key cog in effective leadership and building trusted relationships. We have all been exposed to those people and managers who do not listen well. In each case this distracted, disrespectful moment of poor communication is frustrating and does little to develop trust, respect and a willingness to open up and share your real thoughts.

However, many of us believe we are better at communicating well than we are. It is worth checking yourself and reviewing how others may see you and your communication capability in reality.

 

The ability to ask questions to discover and engage, when combined with effective listening skills are two of the most integral facets of effective communication. In a blog I wrote previously along similar themes, titled Communicate Effectively to Influence and Lead, I introduced the concept of different levels of communication. Both blogs highlight the opportunities and risks of good communication, explaining key stages and actions you can take to become an improved communicator. Interestingly, a Harvard Business Review (1) article I read recently highlights the various levels in a different context, relating to listening in particular.

Chances are you think you’re a good listener.  People’s appraisal of their listening ability is much like their assessment of their driving skills, in that the great bulk of adults think they’re above average. In our experience, most people think good listening comes down to doing three things:

  • Not talking when others are speaking
  • Letting others know you’re listening through facial expressions and verbal sounds (“Mmm-hmm”)
  • Being able to repeat what others have said, practically word-for-word

In fact, much management advice on listening suggests doing these very things – encouraging listeners to remain quiet, nod and “mm-hmm” encouragingly, and then repeat back to the talker something like, “So, let me make sure I understand. What you’re saying is…” However, recent research that we conducted suggests that these behaviors fall far short of describing good listening skills.

We analyzed data describing the behavior of 3,492 participants in a development program designed to help managers become better coaches. As part of this program, their coaching skills were assessed by others in 360-degree assessments. We identified those who were perceived as being the most effective listeners (the top 5%). We then compared the best listeners to the average of all other people in the data set and identified the 20 items showing the largest significant difference.  With those results in hand we identified the differences between great and average listeners and analyzed the data to determine what characteristics their colleagues identified as the behaviors that made them outstanding listeners.

We found some surprising conclusions, along with some qualities we expected to hear. We grouped them into four main findings:

  • Good listening is much more than being silent while the other person talks. To the contrary, people perceive the best listeners to be those who periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight. These questions gently challenge old assumptions, but do so in a constructive way. Sitting there silently nodding does not provide sure evidence that a person is listening, but asking a good question tells the speaker the listener has not only heard what was said, but that they comprehended it well enough to  want additional information. Good listening was consistently seen as a two-way dialog, rather than a one-way “speaker versus hearer” interaction. The best conversations were active.
  • Good listening included interactions that build a person’s self-esteem. The best listeners made the conversation a positive experience for the other party, which doesn’t happen when the listener is passive (or, for that matter, critical!). Good listeners made the other person feel supported and conveyed confidence in them. Good listening was characterized by the creation of a safe environment in which issues and differences could be discussed openly.
  • Good listening was seen as a cooperative conversation. In these interactions, feedback flowed smoothly in both directions with neither party becoming defensive about comments the other made. By contrast, poor listeners were seen as competitive — as listening only to identify errors in reasoning or logic, using their silence as a chance to prepare their next response. That might make you an excellent debater, but it doesn’t make you a good listener. Good listeners may challenge assumptions and disagree, but the person being listened to feels the listener is trying to help, not wanting to win an argument.
  • Good listeners tended to make suggestions. Good listening invariably included some feedback provided in a way others would accept and that opened up alternative paths to consider. This finding somewhat surprised us, since it’s not uncommon to hear complaints that “So-and-so didn’t listen, he just jumped in and tried to solve the problem.” Perhaps what the data is telling us is that making suggestions is not itself the problem; it may be the skill with which those suggestions are made. Another possibility is that we’re more likely to accept suggestions from people we already think are good listeners. (Someone who is silent for the whole conversation and then jumps in with a suggestion may not be seen as credible. Someone who seems combative or critical and then tries to give advice may not be seen as trustworthy.)

While many of us have thought of being a good listener being like a sponge that accurately absorbs what the other person is saying, instead, what these findings show is that good listeners are like trampolines. They are someone you can bounce ideas off of — and rather than absorbing your ideas and energy, they amplify, energize, and clarify your thinking. They make you feel better not merely passively absorbing, but by actively supporting. This lets you gain energy and height, just like someone jumping on a trampoline.

Of course, there are different levels of listening. Not every conversation requires the highest levels of listening, but many conversations would benefit from greater focus and listening skill. Consider which level of listening you’d like to aim for:

Level 1: The listener creates a safe environment in which difficult, complex, or emotional issues can be discussed.

Level 2: The listener clears away distractions like phones and laptops, focusing attention on the other person and making appropriate eye-contact.  (This  behavior not only affects how you are perceived as the listener; it immediately influences the listener’s own attitudes and inner feelings.  Acting the part changes how you feel inside. This in turn makes you a better listener.)

Level 3: The listener seeks to understand the substance of what the other person is saying.  They capture ideas, ask questions, and restate issues to confirm that their understanding is correct.

Level 4: The listener observes nonbverbal cues, such as facial expressions, perspiration, respiration rates, gestures, posture, and numerous other subtle body language signals.  It is estimated that 80% of what we communicate comes from these signals. It sounds strange to some, but you listen with your eyes as well as your ears.

Level 5: The listener increasingly understands the other person’s emotions and feelings about the topic at hand, and identifies and acknowledges them. The listener empathizes with and validates those feelings in a supportive, nonjudgmental way.

Level 6: The listener asks questions that clarify assumptions the other person holds and helps the other person to see the issue in a new light.  This could include the listener injecting some thoughts and ideas about the topic that could be useful to the other person.  However, good listeners never highjack the conversation so that they or their issues become the subject of the discussion.

Each of the levels builds on the others; thus, if you’ve been criticized (for example) for offering solutions rather than listening, it may mean you need to attend to some of the other levels (such as clearing away distractions or empathizing) before your proffered suggestions can be appreciated.

We suspect that in being a good listener, most of us are more likely to stop short rather than go too far. Our hope is that this research will help by providing a new perspective on listening.  We hope those who labor under an illusion of superiority about their listening skills will see where they really stand. We also hope the common perception that good listening is mainly about acting like an absorbent sponge will wane.  Finally, we hope all will see that the highest and best form of listening comes in playing the same role for the other person that a trampoline plays for a child. It gives energy, acceleration, height and amplification. These are the hallmarks of great listening.

Resources/References:

(1) What Great Listeners Actually Do: HBR, Zenger and Folkman

 

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Self-Esteem and Confidence

Self-esteem can be a challenge for many. These difficulties have been heightened over the last year or so as we deal with the impacts and effects of Covid-19 and related restrictions. It has challenged how many of us see ourselves. However, it is possible to manage and build your self-esteem and subsequently, genuine confidence.

The term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. In other words, how much you appreciate and like yourself. It involves a variety of beliefs about yourself, such as the appraisal of your own appearance, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors. It can play a significant role in your motivation and success throughout your life.

Low self-esteem may hold you back from succeeding at school or work because you don’t believe yourself to be capable of success.
CoachStation: Self-Esteem

By contrast, having a healthy self-esteem can help you achieve because you navigate life with a positive, assertive attitude and believe you can accomplish your goals. (1) It is normal to have doubts on occasion. How often and to what degree these doubts surface is the issue and can have a negative affect on how you view yourself.

Self-esteem begins to form in early childhood – factors of influence include:

  • Your thoughts and perceptions
  • How other people react to you
  • Experiences at home, school, work and in the community
  • Illness, disability or injury
  • Age
  • Role and status in society
  • Media messages (4)
In summary, low self-esteem is having a generally negative overall opinion of oneself, judging or evaluating oneself negatively, and placing a general negative value on oneself as a person.

People with low self-esteem usually have deep-seated, basic, negative beliefs about themselves and the kind of person they are. These beliefs are often taken as facts or truths about their identity, rather than being recognised as opinions they hold about themselves.

  • Self-esteem is your opinion of yourself.
  • Everyone lacks confidence occasionally but people with low self-esteem are unhappy or unsatisfied with themselves most of the time.
  • It takes attention and daily practice to improve how you see you and feel about yourself. (3)
It is important to know that low self-esteem is a common problem for many people in our society – so you are not alone.

Low self-esteem can occur as part of a current problem (such as depression), or as a result of other problems (such as chronic illness, relationship problems) or it can be a problem in itself. Either way, the good news is that you can take steps towards developing more healthy self-esteem. (2)

How we handle situations, good or bad, and what we learn from them are important factors. More and more of my clients are confusing mistakes for failure. The following real-life example may provide additional context.

Some years ago one of my coaching clients contacted me with a problem in his life. We had stopped formally working together the previous year, however he turned to me for help in response to a situation he was trying to manage.

Long story, short, my client had found himself several thousand dollars in debt based on multiple payments made on an online game, somewhat knowingly but also, naively. He was embarrassed and overwhelmed.

CoachStation: Self-Esteem and Leadership

This outcome had really shaken his confidence and self-worth. He didn’t know how to overcome the negative feelings about himself. Although initially disappointed, thankfully his wife was very supportive.

The relevant point in this story is that my client was feeling ashamed. In fact, he used the word shame, which was a trigger for our discussion. Although there was much more to our conversation, I helped him see that his actions were a mistake or error, not a point of failure.

Mistakes and failure are not the same thing. Mistakes are part of being human. They are common and genuine opportunities to reflect and learn how to avoid making the same mistakes over and over. In reality, failure is the act of repeating the same mistake, not the single error itself.

I pointed out to my client that doing something ‘wrong’ can be defined as a mistake. It does not make you a bad person and is nothing to be ashamed about. Shame is the feeling that you are inherently bad, rather than a sense of having made an error. Maintaining the right perspective is key.

In this instance, my client was able to take action and rectify his debts and situation once he gained a more valid perspective of the issue and options. As a result, ultimately his self-esteem improved through taking ownership of the situation and resolving the issue. Each of us is confronted with challenges and opportunities every day which could or do provide the platform for developing self-esteem.

 

If he had not identified and applied actions, the situation would have likely spiraled out of control and continued to damage his self-esteem. How we view these moments in life and our self-talk has a significant bearing on how we feel about ourselves overall.

When we take action and own situations, we feel good about our contributions and the outcomes. When we acknowledge this, it feels good and has a positive impact on how we view ourselves.

Interestingly, our self-esteem is either gradually built or diminished through our perspective and actions.

Alternatively, when there is a lack of ownership, accountability and reflection about how to improve ourselves and the situations, there is a tendency to be self-critical. When this avoidance is consistent, our self-esteem declines.

These increases and declines in self-esteem and self-worth occur gradually. I often describe it as .01% impact in each situation, either negative or positive. Clearly then, it takes many, many opportunities and actions to affect our overall self-esteem one way or the other.

Relationships with those close to you — parents, siblings, peers, teachers and other important contacts — are important to your self-esteem. Many beliefs you hold about yourself today reflect messages you’ve received from these people over time.

Yet, without consistent and conscious reflection, acknowledgment and action our tendency is to see the perceived risk and failure rather than the real risk and benefits. Innately, many people are more half-glass empty than full. But, this attitude and thought-process can be changed.

If you receive mostly negative feedback and are often criticized, teased or devalued by others, you’re more likely to struggle with poor self-esteem. But past experiences and relationships don’t have to be your destiny. Your own thoughts have perhaps the biggest impact — and these thoughts are within your control.

If you tend to focus on your weaknesses or flaws, working on changing that can help you develop a more balanced, accurate view of yourself. (4)

If your relationships are strong and you receive generally positive feedback, you’re more likely to see yourself as worthwhile and have healthier self-esteem. Oddly perhaps, this includes your relationship with yourself!

There are some simple ways to tell if you have healthy self-esteem:

  • Avoid dwelling on past, negative experiences
  • Express your needs
  • Feel confident
  • Have a positive outlook on life
  • Say “no” when you want to
  • See overall strengths and weaknesses and accept them.

You may need to work on how you perceive yourself if you tend to experience these common problems:

  • A belief that others are better than you
  • You find it difficult expressing your needs
  • Too much focus on your weaknesses
  • Frequently experience feelings such as shame, depression, or anxiety
  • A negative outlook on life
  • An intense fear of failure
  • Trouble accepting positive feedback
  • Trouble saying “no”
  • Regularly put other people’s needs before your own
  • You struggle with confidence. (1)

The Centre for Clinical Interventions offers an excellent model that may assist in assessing your current state and potential areas of focus and action. (2)

Click on the image below to open a worksheet containing additional, related information.

CCI: Model of Healthy Self Esteem
Self-esteem affects virtually every facet of your life. Maintaining a healthy, realistic view of yourself isn’t about blowing your own horn. It’s about learning to like and respect yourself — faults and all. (4)

Seeking help from relevant professionals is recommended, if required. However, for most of us it is possible to take action to change how you perceive yourself and to gradually build a positive self-esteem. Acknowledgment and honesty are the first steps, followed closely by regular reflection and action. These are steps we can all take…what have you got to lose and consider what you might gain?

 

Resources and References:

(1) Signs of Healthy and Low Self-Esteem – Very Well Mind

(2) Self-Esteem – Centre for Clinical Interventions

(3) Self-Esteem – Victorian Government

(4) Self-Esteem Check: Too Low or Just Right – Mayo Clinic

 

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Communicate Effectively to Influence and Lead

To communicate well, is to be understood and to understand. Communication is key to effective leadership. In fact, it is integral in much of our lives. Anecdotally, experience has consistently demonstrated that most issues in business are, at least in part, caused by poor communication.

Are there different levels of communication effectiveness?

In recent years whilst coaching, I have developed a concept regarding the effectiveness of communication. It highlights the need for depth in conversation. To verbally communicate well provides meaning and purpose. It allows for understanding and often, clarity and context. Purpose influences action and improvement. Unfortunately, many managers do not develop this skill to the level required.

Ultimately, our relationships are better for the higher levels of trust and the investment this provides for future communication opportunities.

 

 

CoachStation: Communicate with Depth and Meaning
Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

Essentially, we can communicate at various levels of depth. However, most business communication (and that at home too!) often occurs at a moderate and superficial level, at best. I would describe this as a level 1 or 2 type of communication. Our goal is to develop the skill and capability to flex to level 3 and 4, where relevant. To communicate at level 5 takes quite a bit of practice, but is worth the effort and investment.

To communicate effectively we need to move beyond the superficial, to greater depths.

This is particularly important when leading people. The goal is to be heard and understood. Critically, this is as important for your team member or colleague in return. This is achieved when both parties invest in gaining a mutual understanding.

As I have highlighted in previous blogs, the skills of asking the right question at the right time and effective listening are two of the most important leadership attributes to develop.

There are certain situations in our life that call for us to dig deep and talk about what is really important to us. When the stakes are high it is important that we communicate effectively, if we are misunderstood in these important moments it can cause much pain and confusion. When we wish to build trust in a relationship, or when we want to be sure we are really heard, things go much better if we can communicate what we want to say fully and authentically. In reality this is no small thing to achieve and it requires both courage and vulnerability.

We often communicate only half of what is really going on for us. 

If we are to truly communicate then we need to share all of who we are, not just selected parts of ourselves. The parts that tend to get left out in communication are the things that may make us vulnerable to the other, or cause us some shame or discomfort. Yet these are the very parts of ourselves that we need to share…it is necessary to express these things if we want true communication to flow. (1)

The diagram below extends this concept. The 5 levels of effective communication mentioned already are described in further detail. The goal is to develop your communication skills to at least Level 3.

5 levels of effective communication mentioned

CoachStation: Effective Communication Levels Model

Why does it matter to communicate effectively?

The benefits of developing your communicating skills are many. Through practice, when we communicate well, there is feeling of power and influence.

 

It’s easy to get stuck in poor communication habits, speaking or reacting impulsively rather than supportively. But any uncomfortable feelings raised in a difficult conversation can be a short-term inconvenience for a long-term gain if you talk in an honest, open manner.

Supportive communication improves your relationships by focusing on empathy and mindfulness, and it can also help increase positive emotions such as joy, hope, peace, gratitude and love. The body responds to these emotions by reducing stress hormones and increasing endorphins, also known as “feel good” chemicals. Over time, these effects can cause positive changes in mindset and creativity, as well as increase immune function and longevity. (2)

A significant amount of my time when coaching people focuses on their ability to communicate effectively. Effective communication is a skill, attribute and outcome.

The opportunity to invest in your communication skills is one that you must grab with both hands if you want to be a more effective influencer, manager, leader and human. It is difficult to think of a more relevant time in recent history where effective communication has been more important.

 

Consider the information and model detailed in this blog and assess your own skills and importantly, your actions. All of us have the opportunity to improve our communication. The benefits are clear. Making the choice to do so…well, that is up to you.

Let me know how you go.

References and Resources

(1) How can we communicate with authenticity and depth?

(2) Improve your relationships with better communication – Mayo Clinic

Related Blogs By Steve @CoachStation

 

 

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